Written by Shelly Lomax
I can remember the first time I had sex. I lost my virginity at a pretty late age, so when it finally happened I was REALLY looking forward to it. A girl who I worked with invited me over to her house one day, with the implication that we’d have sex. And I was really into this girl ... I thought she was “the one”.
She was an athletic blonde with an amazing personality. On our first few dates we really clicked ... I could see myself being with this girl for a long time. So when we were at her house and the clothes started to come off, you can imagine how excited I was. My body started to shake with anticipation, and my palms began sweating. I started stimulating her with my fingers, and I could feel her getting wet for me.
Then the time for intercourse came ... and something horrible happened. I couldn’t get an erection! After literally YEARS of anticipating this day, and months of sleepless nights fantasizing about this girl, my body couldn’t perform. It was humiliating.
I spent the better part of an hour trying to achieve an erection. And I finally did ... but then when we started having sex, I ejaculated in what was likely under a minute. With a look of thinly concealed disappointment on her face, she hustled me out shortly afterward. And no matter how many times I tried to contact her, she never returned my calls or emails after that.
Your First Time Shouldn’t Be Like This!
Now if you haven’t had sex before, I don’t mean to scare you with this story. When I lost my virginity it was a bad experience because I came in totally unprepared, and had too much pride to be honest. Nobody ever taught me how to have sex for the first time – so naturally I screwed everything up.
But fortunately for you, I know from my personal experience, and that of many of my clients, that men are prone to making five common mistakes when they lose their virginity. All you have to do to have a great first sexual experience is to simply avoid these five mistakes.
#1 – TELL HER that it’s your first time
One mistake I made my first time was that I implied I had lots of sexual experience, and didn’t tell her that it was going to be my first time. And lots of other guys do this as well – because they want to look cool, and don’t want to admit they’ve never had sex before.
This is a big mistake because if you’ve never had sex before, you’re going to be a little clumsy your first time as you learn how her body works. Now if you tell her that it’s your first time, this isn’t a bad thing. She’ll be expecting that you’ll be learning how to please her, and that sex will only get better afterward. As well, you’ll be more comfortable, so you’re less likely to suffer from anxiety attacks!
#2 – Practice putting on a condom
In sex ed, they always teach you to be safe and use a condom when you have sex. And so you should ... but what they don’t tell you is that NOT ALL CONDOMS ARE THE SAME. If you’re using the wrong condom, it can lead to a lot of problems. It could be so tight that you lose your erection since you don’t feel any pleasure. Or it might not be tight enough; so it will slip off during sex, and you’ll be having unprotected sex without even realizing it.
The right condom will make sex feel MUCH better though. You won’t have to worry about safety issues, and the right fit will make the sensations of sex much more pleasurable.
A good way to figure it out is by checking out variety packs at online sex toy stores. These are basically boxes of 'loose' condoms of different brands. They’re great to find out which condom you like, because you can try a lot of different brands without investing in a brand that isn’t ideal.
#3 – Strong Communication
Another big mistake guys losing their virginity make, is that they’re too proud, or afraid, to ask her what she likes during sex. I know I was ... but once I learned how to find out what women liked, giving women orgasms became much easier.
When I teach this in seminars, guys will sometimes ask me, “But won’t she be turned off if you’re asking what to do in bed? Don’t women want to dominant man?” Yes, they do ... but being sexually dominant doesn’t mean just plowing forward blindly not caring about her pleasure. If you ask in the WRONG way or too much, it will be annoying and turn her off .... but if you ask in the RIGHT way, she’ll appreciate it and it’ll allow you to give her much more pleasure.
For example, when you’re stimulating her with your fingers you could look into her eyes and ask, “How does that feel, baby?”
This will allow her to moan, “Ohhh ... amazing” in return. And if it’s not quite right, she can say, “A little to the left ... ohhh, now that’s amazing”. This way, even if she wants you to change something it doesn’t disrupt the flow of sexual pleasure for her.
#4 – Forget about trying to be amazing, just focus on being relaxed
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably deluged yourself in information about sex in anticipation for the 'big day'. I know that I read at least five ebooks and countless articles on the internet learning lots of complicated techniques to give her orgasms. My rationale ... maybe I wasn’t as experienced as the other guys, but I’d make up for it by knowing lots of complex sex tricks which other guys didn’t know.
Later, I’d find out this type of thinking was completely wrong.
The first time you have sex, you are going to be understandably full of nervous excitement. But in order to really enjoy sex, the first thing you have to do is to learn to RELAX.
A lack of relaxation can lead to all kinds of problems. Most men cum too quickly when they’re nervous, but some will not be able to get an erection at all. And women also need to be relaxed during sex to enjoy the pleasure – if you’re feeling a little nervous, she probably won’t have an orgasm since she won’t be fully comfortable.
And if you’re trying to use all kinds of crazy sex techniques your first time, it actually makes your nervous excitement WORSE. You’ll have to think of a dozen different things that you’ve never done before, and this will just make you more hyper-minded. So your first time I recommend that you don’t use any 'techniques' or 'moves'. Just focus on relaxing, and doing what comes natural. Once you learn how to do this, THEN you can start using my more advanced stuff like Dominance, Emotion, and Variety.
#5 – Count on sex getting BETTER
For some reason, we’ve all been lead to believe that our first time will be a magical, once-in-a-lifetime experience of incomparable pleasure that we’ll remember forever. But when that unrealistic expectation bumps up against reality, it can often lead to disappointment or feelings of inadequacy.
Now if you avoid the four mistakes I mentioned above, there is no reason why your first time can’t be a very good experience. It’ll give you a solid start in your journey to achieve a great sex life. But I’ve coached a lot of men, and even those who had a good experience losing their virginity all say the same thing - it only gets BETTER after your first time.
This is because after a while, that nervous excitement will go away and you’ll be able to relax and enjoy the pleasure more. You’ll also become more familiar with the female body, and you can start using more advanced techniques to give her orgasms. And as the two of you have sex more and more often, she’ll also learn more ways to please you.
This is why I always say that sex only gets better over time, not worse. If your first time wasn’t the magical experience you expected, don’t worry. There will be lots of magical sexual experiences in store for you in the years to come.
-Shelly Lomax
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